Just relax

So my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years. That seems like a long time to me. Actually, after we weren’t pregnant the first month we tried it seemed like too long. I have had MANY emotional breakdowns and outbursts and I must admit, a few “oh so and so’s pregnant, must be nice” moments that I’m not proud of.
I know I obsess over things. People say “oh you’re trying too hard, just stop thinking about it and it will happen”. I’m sorry, I’m not sure I ever learned how to not think about something I want desperately. Or how about the “just have sex on day (insert what specific day in their cycle worked for them) that’s what I did and I got pregnant the first month I tried!”
God there’s so many scenarios, it’s all the same junk to me though. It usually boils down to “I didn’t ask you for advice, and yet here it is”. This has been a roller coaster for me. I’ve gone from can’t wait to get pregnant to I don’t even think I want a baby to maybe we should look at adoption back to forget it I don’t even want a baby but it always ends in the same place. I do want to get pregnant and I do want a baby.
I know everyone has their own unique story but my story is this: there’s nothing wrong with either of us. There is no underlying condition, unless my mind counts as a condition… The hardest moment of my adult life was the day my Dr told me “sometimes people can’t get pregnant because they think about it too much, try not to think about it, just relax” of course at this point I’m sobbing (and feeling guilty for sobbing when there’s nothing medically wrong with me). So the only thing preventing us from getting pregnant is my mind. Sigh, of course it has to be me doesn’t it! Do I even have a right to complain? My sister said “that’s it you need to see a specialist!” I said heck no. If I think about it so much that I’m preventing it already, how on earth would I react to specialist appointments? I have visions of rocking back and forth in a corner holding a baby doll, but that’s just me. Everyone has a different way of dealing with their infertility and I think we all have a right to react in any way that gives us relief, even if its just for a moment. If its venting, then vent. If its laughing, then laugh! If it’s comparing stories with a friend who’s also having trouble conceiving, DONT DO IT. Because someday, that friend (or two friends) will become pregnant, and that’s an awkward moment as you fake congratulate them fighting back the tears that they know all too well (because you compared friends announcing pregnancy must fake happiness stories…) or maybe you are a genuinely a really supportive friend and can truly be happy for them (please send me your tips on how to become that person). Just do what makes it tolerable, laugh for once, or write a blog! Just relax! (Haha I’m just kidding)


2 thoughts on “Just relax

  1. Oh my! I know the feeling of going from wanting a baby to it hurting so much you make yourself believe you don’t realty… to talking about adoption… to coming to terms with the fact that you do want a baby and it hurts… a lot. 2 years and 1 month here…. seems like an eternity. Somehow… we’ll make it through. Oh, and I was told to relax, too. But don’t forget to count the days, take the medicine, do this and that. But, you have to relax! Sure thing!? Sigh! I hear you!

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